7:13 p.m. - 2006-01-20
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Friday, January 20, 2006
I wanted to let you all know a little bit of information I received from the Passport Dept at our local U.S. Post Office. My husband and I decided to apply for passports. Up to this date, we had never seen the need for the passports. We have taken two cruises and we had certified copies of our birth certificates and our driver's licenses with photo I.D. These were always sufficient for us to travel to the Caribbean and Mexico.
We learned through Royal Caribbean Cruises that by the end of 2006, passports would be required. We thought it would be smart to get the passports now before the big rush.
The man at the Passport Dept. told us that it is already taking about 6 weeks to get a passport processed instead of 3-4 weeks. He said our Post Office has only been handling passport applications for about 3 or 4 months and the increase in applications has been growing steadily.
I would imagine that soon or later (probably by the end of 2006) Homeland Security is going to require that all US citizens have a passport. You can log onto the internet, search for "passport" and find the application. You can also put in your zip code to find the nearest place to apply. In our case, the Post Office also takes the photo so we were able to get it all accomplished within a few minutes. once we had scheduled an appointment. Now we just have to wait for the applications to be processed. We had to provide a certified copy of our birth certificate which is sent in with two copies of a photo of each of us and a money order. In our case, it cost $224.95 because we had cash and had to buy a money order. The cost was $97 each. $67 was for the passport and $30 for the Post Office processing fee. The additional $30 was for the two photos of each of us.
My suggestion would be if you have any idea that you may be traveling to Canada, Mexico and any other country outside of the U.S.A., you should apply for a passport soon.
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Now I would like to speak about another serious issue. Any of you would have suffered abuse as a child or know of someone who suffered should be interested in the following information.
This is about the lenient sentences or lack thereof to the people who abuse children.
please read the link and do what you feel is appropriate. Thank you.
Follow the link below to take action on this important issue. Go to http://www.afa.net/petitions/issuedetail.asp?id=180 to sign.
Please, if you believe this is information that needs to be known, pass it on to your friends and family....Thank you.
Now, onto some lighter moments as a great beginning to a weekend of fun.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating Me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours
and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ..they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car, don't
hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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AND FOR THE NASCAR FANS....
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
AND NOW SOMETHING FOR MY INDIAN ANCESTORS:
An old Indian chief sat in his tepee on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women
did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and
fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that."
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no need for recording things, someone was always home.
We only had a living room where we would congregate, Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine, When meeting as a family those two rooms would work
out fine.
We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But always there was one of them with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty
Crocker's book.
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play, We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.
When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, But we knew where the others were without our own
cell phone.
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for
you.
Remember going to the store and shopping casually, And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, Remember when the cashier person had to really count?
The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.
There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every
store.
The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed to
"present occupant."
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, And you would know the kind of car, the
model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and
really had some style.
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.
The record player had a post to keep them all in line, And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,And always we were striving, trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived! Still seems like so much fun, How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes, And for a nickel red machines had little bottled
Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways, I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same, But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.
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God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left
over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He
thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things
He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while
standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if
either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Please! Pleeeeease! Give it to me! Give it to meeee!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God
gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place -
first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he
tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with
delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God.
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We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the MIDWESt and
challenge any so-called "smart" VIP who lives on the two coasts to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Buds will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya.... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
I hope you have a wonderful and safe and happy weekend.
