5:01 p.m. - 2006-01-22
PMS and Menopause
Sunday, January 22, 2006
The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning...
ITCHY, BITCHY, SWEATY, SLEEP,BLOATED, FORGETFUL & ALL-DRIED-UP.
One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating. I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's Sake. What was wrong with me?
Ding-dong...it's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats. It seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course, Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly,my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight loss program that had worked so well for so many years.
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came. I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's? I wondered.
Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most embarrassing and unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
Well, sure glad I got that out of my system for awhile.
Thanks to my sister, BB's Head, please enjoy the following:
SIX KINDS OF SEX
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some.
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. T! his is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month, but it's not enough to live on....
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Darwin Awards ......2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here then, are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand! there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges,
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.......HERE GOES....
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS.
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local Mexican government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural thing. You would not understand."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver's license. This will afford other legal
rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico
Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its
officers.
Good luck, You'll be demanding for the rest of time or soon be dead.
It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world EXCEPT right here in the United States. Land of the naive and bleeding hearts !
If you agree, pass it on. If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Mexico.
To make this point, is not racism .....it's the truth.
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The owner of a golf course in Indiana was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The Indiana University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Indiana women.
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A group of Indiana friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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A senior at Indiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Indiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Indiana because everything happens in Indiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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The young man from Indiana came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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NEWS FLASH! - Indiana's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Indiana University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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An Indiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID! ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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And My Favorite
A man in Indiana had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
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Good Night and Sweet Dreams
