4:45 p.m. - 2006-01-18
JOKES FOR TODAY
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Currently Reading
The Divide
By Nicholas Evans
see related
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure
and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!
##############
FRIENDS ARE ANGELS
WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET
WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE
TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY.
Thank God for Children Saying Grace...
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great... Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all!
Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), " Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already"
The End.
I loved this story! Please keep it moving. Sometimes we all need some ice cream.
~I hope God sends you some Ice Cream today.
################
"HAPPY NEW YEAR"
It was New Year's Eve and Entertainment Night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center and three months to get the smell out.
###########
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He told her his name
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT SEXUAL IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
###########
A young man stopped to visit his grandparents. He noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!", he exclaimed.
The old man gazed off into the distance without answering.
Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea..."
###########
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .
..
..
..
..
.
A Misdewiener!
OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody
#############
Las Vegas Casinos and Catholics..
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST.....
############
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On The Outskirts Of a Small Town, There Was a Big, Old Pecan Tree Just Inside The Cemetery Fence. One Day, Two Boys Filled Up a Bucketful of Nuts and Sat Down By The Tree out of Sight, and Began Dividing The Nuts.
"One For You, One For Me. "One For You, One For Me," Said One Boy. Several nuts Dropped and Rolled Down Toward The Fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As He Passed, He Thought He Heard Voices From Inside The Cemetery. He slowed down to Investigate. Sure Enough, He Heard, "One For You, One For Me." "One For You, One For Me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling
along. "Come Here Quick," Said The Boy, "You Won't Believe What I Heard!!!"
"Satan and The Lord Are Down At The Cemetery Dividing Up The Souls."
The man said, "Beat it Kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the Cemetery.
Standing by the Fence they heard, "One For You, One For Me." "One For You, One For Me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth." "Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence, tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At Last They Heard,
"One For You, One For Me." "That's All." "Now Let's Go Get Those Nuts By The Fence and We'll Be Done." They Say The Old Man Made It Back To Town,
A Full 5 Minutes Ahead Of The Boy On The Bike.
