12:32 p.m. - 2008-04-05
She's a beautiful girl.....
Simple Abundance has been talking about making your wardrobe a true reflection of your authentic self. It discusses that we often change our choices in clothing based on what we do for a living or our circumstances in life. It suggests looking for pictures of women you admire and how they dress to see if that expresses who you wish to imitate. After all, isn't imitation the best form of flattery? As you gather together the pictures or thoughts of women who seem to reach out to you, a clearer picture of who you want to present to the public may emerge. You don't need a lot of clothing, just a few basic pieces that make you feel as good on the outside as you do on the inside.
and I just had a light bulb moment, a la OPRAH....
Previously, I have discussed a family member who had a frightening situation happen to her during her Christmas break from high school. She was in a car with a boy and he attacked her....It was either sexual abuse or possibly rape. The doctor did confirm that "something serious" happened. She has been treated medically and has been seeing a counselor.
Here's the epiphany.....
This girl has always been a drama queen.
Ever since she was a toddler and could talk; she has been involved in over-the-top reactions to almost everything.
When she was about 2 years old, I was babysitting for her and her infant brother. I was walking up the steps of their tri-level home. A. was walking ahead of me, dragging her blanket behind her. I was trying to carry the baby, his blanket and his bottle and A. was just d.r.a.g.g.i.n.g. her feet. I stepped on her blanket and nearly fell down the stairs. She went into hysterics because I stepped on her blanket, I raised my voice and told her to get upstairs as I grabbed the blanket away from her. Of course, she went into a full blown crying spell, hiccuping, red-face and all. After I settled the baby in his crib, I returned to her and told her I was sorry I got mad at her, read her several stories before bed and tucked her in. Her parents returned about midnight and went in to check on the children. A. was still awake and told her parents that her Aunt had yelled at her and went into another hysterical fit. Little did we know that it was the beginning of the DRAMA.
Fast forward about 14 years and here we are....
About 5 years ago, A's parents got a divorce. This launched A. into a panic attack mode. She has always wanted a father who is loving and supportive and caring. She doesn't have that type of father. He can be cold, blunt and standoffish. Unfortunately, the only grandparents she has are the same. The custody arrangements provide for regular weekly visits and every other weekend stays with her father. She and her brother spend a lot of time with the grandparents when their father is working. It isn't the ideal arrangement but it is what it is.
A. has been in counseling with her father and is taking a mild form of antidepressant due to her panic attacks.
I am NOT saying that what happened to A. a few months ago wasn't serious, terrible and traumatic. Of course, we all were sympathetic and want to do whatever we can to give her support and love. She has been in more counseling for the attack. She was brave enough to file a report with the police and has followed up as the police investigate. There will be a court hearing with the judge because the boy did admit to what happened. She has been given a Victim's Assistant to guide her through the process. Her mother has been with her every step of the way.
But, what has happened during the course of the past couple of years and in particular during the past couple of months is that the drama has increased dramatically....oh...is that redundant?
Anyway, she has tried everything. She cries, she is sick, she misses school, she calls her mother constantly on the cell phone, she texts her mother and all her friends and all the teachers she likes at school and at church. She has told all of them all about the whole situation and goes on and on. We all expected that. We felt it was good for her to get it all out of her system. But she doesn't stop.
Her mother has brought her home from the weekend visitations with her father when A. begs to come home. Her mother has listened and talked and taken her to doctors and counselors, the police. She has done everything she can think of to make A. happier. She has changed her personal plans on her weekends away from the children. She has taken A. shopping, out to eat, to the movies. She has driven A. everywhere to see her friends. She has taken A's friends along to the movies and the restaurants and so on.
Things were starting to get better in February. A. got her driver's license. Her mother has allowed her to drive to the shopping center and a few other places alone. A. has gone out on a couple of dates. A. has been in a school play. A. has participated in the church and city choirs. A. is going to Colorado in a couple of weeks on a choir trip. A. is participating in a pageant in June. Life seems to be good.
But...A has started the constant texting and crying and "nobody loves me and I might as well be dead" again. A. is scaring her mother to death. It is affecting her mother's health too.
The light bulb moment I had today was that we are all enabling her. Her behavior is constantly being rewarded. I wrote to A.s mother this morning. I reminded her that whenever A. has a "moment"; and she doesn't get an instant gratification; she seems to move on. It is when she gets the instant attention that she craves that it goes on and on and on and on. I suggested we think of this as an addiction. She is addicted to the drama and we have to stop enabling her. This is a bad habit that we must help A. break. I also suggested that she tell A. that maybe A. shouldn't be going on dates or to Colorado because she seems to have difficulty when she is away from home in handling her daily life.
Please understand that I love A. She is a member of my family and I would do anything for her. But, I think it is time for A. to realize that her mother deserves a life too. A is not doing herself any favors by making this situation become who she really is. Hopefully, A. will see it that way too.
Also, please don't think I am unfeeling about this. I was abused for a few years until I was about 13. I was from a divorced family and did not see my father for many years because he lived in another state. We had very little money and no car. We did not have many material things in my childhood. It's not like I haven't been in some similar situations. I did not want to be defined as the girl who was abused. I hope A. doesn't want that either.
Now, I think it is time to write an e-mail to A. and her mother....
