6:03 p.m. - 2006-07-07
vacation news
Friday, July 07, 2006
Tomorrow I am flying to Texas to visit my two sisters for a week. We are all looking forward to seeing each other and spending time together.
I am the oldest and the next is 6 years younger than I am and the third
is 16 years younger...yes, my mother had a change of life baby and she is adored by all of us.
Even now, it would be fun for all of us to pile into one king sized bed and just laugh and talk as long as we could stay awake. (which won't be too long these days!)
We will talk and eat out and talk and drive and talk and discuss tv
shows and talk and discuss books and talk and discuss men and talk
and shop and talk.
We also hope to be helpful to each other and discuss various problems
and maybe come up with answers...You know how minds can work together...
Here are a few jokes and I will be checking in when I can.
One-wish Genie . A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along
with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is
what I wish for...........a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."
#####
When George visited Bill
>Before the 2001 Inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet,
>he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold
>urinal.
>That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
>"Just think," he said "when I am president, I could have a gold
>urinal too, but I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
>Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the
>White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
>discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the
>President had a gold urinal.
>That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
###
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of
Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man
says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the
world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss
you..."
-----------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes
today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what
do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like
this?"
"Probably that I married you for
your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping
positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...
you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their
60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their
special day a good fairy came to
them and said that because they
had been so good that each one
of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around
the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had
airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female
companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned
ninety!!!
-----------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand
my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death.
AMEN!
-------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed
man?
A: Trustworthy.
------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man
is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow
down long enough.
-----------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which
end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder
Instruction Manuals"
###
Number One Idiot of 2005
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2005
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2005
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2005
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
A real donkey's rear ... but he still gets a sign!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2005
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2005
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!". When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2005
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back
knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign!
##########
have a great weekend.
