9:38 a.m. - 2005-11-24
THANKSGIVING JOKES
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Currently Reading
Coming Home to Myself
By Wynonna Judd, Patsi Bale Cox
see related
The big Turkey Day has arrived. I hope you will have a wonderful, loving, peaceful, happy, exciting, fulfilling, gut-busting, stomach aching, "why did she say that to me", Who does "he think he is talking to?", "oh well, they are family, after all" DAY.
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A THANKSGIVING POEM
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed throught the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...
Happy eating to all - pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
AND MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!!
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.!
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short
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Subject: DON'T EAT CHICKEN
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day
he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like
it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said,
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pul led down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards".
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NO SENSE OF HUMOR
My husand and I Were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." He answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes." He replied.
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember
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Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10.
"
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis
3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was
naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! "A
cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)
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The link to the direct image of your graffiti wall is :
http://www.piclibs.com/wall37961.jpg
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!
