4:39 p.m. - 2005-11-15
tuesday jokes
It's a dreary rainy evening so I thought I would give you the following:
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a well-maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
TOTAL: $21.00
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OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among debri in trash can to avoid environmental fee.
17) Beer.
18) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
19) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car and cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental fee.
20) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
22) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
23) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
26) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard -- along with drain plug.
28) Beer.
29) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
! 30) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil.
31) Beer.
32) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
33) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
34) Cussing fit.
35! ) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
36) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
37) Beer.
38) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
39) Beer to stop pain....
40) .Ditto.
41) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Beer.
43) Lower car from jack stands.
44) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
45) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from steps 23 - 43.
46) Beer.
47) Test drive car.
48) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
49) Car tow! ed and impounded.
50) Call loving wife; make bail.
51) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Towing Fee $175.00
Impound Fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
TOTAL: $4,340.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Horse-Sense
Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other horse.
But if one stops the car, or is walking by,
one will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will
disclose that he is blind.
His owner has chosen not to have him put down,
but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing.
Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell.
Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see
that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.
Attached to her bridle is a small bell.
It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As one stands and watches these two friends,
one sees how she is always checking on him,
and that he will listen for her bell and then
slowly walk to where she is,
trusting that she will not lead him astray.
Like the owners of these two horses,
God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect
or because we have problems or challenges.
He watches over us and even brings others
into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God
and those whom he places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.
Good friends are like stars.........
You don't always see them,
but you know they are there.
^^^^
That's all for tonight. Have a good Tuesday evening.
