6:40 p.m. - 2007-03-10
Gloom. doom, excessive misery.....
Saturday, March 10, 2007
WOE IS ME!!!!
If you didn't read my previous blog, please take the time to do so.....I can wait......
Ok, so now you know the mood is still prevailing......
My husband read my previous blog subject and asked if there was anything he could do to help my mood. I explained that this is a situation that has been going on for a long time.
The reason it is on my mind is that my sister's birthday is on March 18th and of course, at this time of year, I always think of her.
So....No....there isn't anything he can do to make it better or easier or less sad for me. It is something I deal with every year and I will get through it.....
I am thankful for his concern and love and willingness to help me cope.
Then, of course, the subject changed to a newer development in siblings who have withdrawn from the family. One of my husband's brothers had a on-going "problem" with his sister.
Yes, the very same sister (in-law) I blogged about last October. She was suffering from a terminal disease and had visited us a few times during 2006. During a spring visit, she had told me in confidence that she didn't think she would live to reach 2007. She desperately wanted to make amends with this brother. She had lost her ability to speak and used signing and hand signals to communicate which, of course, required a face-to-face discussion. She asked if I could help.
In June, I approached him privately during a get-together and told him of her wish. He was quick to tell me that they had really serious problems. I advised him that, although, I did not know of the relationship specifics....I did know of her real desire to communicate with him before much more time went by. He said he would think it over. He did nothing.
By October, we were made aware that her health had gone down quickly and she was anxious to have all her siblings and their wives come to Colorado to spend a long weekend with her.
All of us made the arrangements except for one. Yes, the same brother. Other brothers tried to talk with him, explain how serious this visit had become and asked him to reconsider. He said he would think about it. He didn't make the trip.
The day that we left her home in Colorado, she went into the hospital and she died 3 days later on November 16, 2006. If you go back in my blogs, you can read about this time.
The initial funeral was in Colorado for the grown children and grandchildren and friends in the area.
This brother and his wife have hosted our Thanksgiving meal for many years. This year there was no invitation to anyone to attend. They went out of town instead.
After her cremation, her husband brought her ashes back to our area and on December 16, 2006, we had a Memorial Ceremony and a private get-together at our home. Everyone was made aware of these plans. Everyone was invited. And once again, he didn't come. Another brother made a phone call from the funeral home to him during the visitation. He refused to attend.
A couple of weeks later was our annual Christmas Eve get-together. A brother called him to ask him to attend (which he had always done every other year). He said "his family was having a private celebration". He didn't come to our family gathering. He didn't send us a Christmas card, He didn't send me a birthday card. He didn't respond to an e-mail I sent him. He hasn't made any effort to contact us.
So here we are.....my husband and I are at a loss. We just don't understand why we are being ignored. During our lifetime, we have always been there for this brother and his wife. They used to visit us when we were first married and they were still in high school. We helped them when they first got married. My father walked her down the aisle because she didn't have a father. They were invited to my parents home for holidays and to our home when we started doing the Christmas Eve holiday. They were given furniture when we replaced ours. We spent time with them when their baby son died a few weeks into his life. I helped pack up the nursery and baby clothes. We went to the funerals and the gravesites with them. We were with them when she had a miscarriage. We embraced their daughter and two sons as they grew up. We were always available when they needed us. We were always available to talk and spend time together.
And yet, there was a slight barrier between us. There were some things that happened to them that they never shared with us. We would hear about things from others but they never told us directly. Even during the "problem" between this brother and the sister, they never told us directly what happened. The sister didn't tell us either until a few months before she passed away. We have heard 3 or 4 different stories...all of which could have happened.
We can understand why there was anger between the sister and the brother...but we still don't know for sure what is true.
What we don't understand is why we are being punished for something that was between the sister and this brother.
There have been other times when we felt there was some kind of "one-ups-manship" on his and his wife's part. When all the siblings were fortunate enough to inherit money from two different relatives; he and his wife always made sure they got what they wanted. When there was to be a distribution of some personal effects belonging to an aunt; he and his wife did not want to attend because the sister would be here. I asked if there were specific items they would like to have. I made sure to secure those items and much more. I called them when the "coast was clear" but they were too busy to come and pick up the items. They finally retrieved them at their convenience. A few weeks later....
My husband and I talked about this today. I guess our mistake was trying too hard to make them happy. We thought we were doing them a real service by giving them things when they first started out, by securing some things that they wanted from a relative, by being "careful" not to offend them, by not asking questions if they didn't tell us what was going on.
The only conclusion my husband and I can come up with is that we did the best we could, we thought we would being more than fair and we just don't understand why we are the ones who are upset now with the results.
I will never forget that this brother did not show any love or respect for his only sister by going to her when she was terminally ill. Especially when she had requested that he come so she could make peace with him. I won't ever understand why he couldn't be the bigger person in this situation and be forgiving or apologizing if that was necessary. I guess it doesn't matter to him if I forgive him.
I am trying very hard to understand.
I keep thinking that at least my sister, Ginny, did come home for our mother's funeral and she did it for her sisters. I won't ever understand why he couldn't do the same for his brothers.
In the end, I have reached the conclusion that it is not my place to determine whether what my husband's brother did was right or wrong. It is not my place to place my morals and beliefs on him or to expect him to reach my standards of decency and concern. It is not me who will have to live with what he chose to do. But it still hurts!!
By the way, his birthday and his wedding anniversary are in the first week of April and I will be sending cards for both occasions to him.
SORRY FOR THE GLOOM, DOOM AND EXCESSIVE MISERY...
