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1:39 p.m. - 2007-03-06
What ARE they thinking???
Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Let's face it....we all have them. I expect every one of us has one that we just can't get close too or we just can't understand what they are thinking. No matter what we do, there is no connection and there is no logic in their actions. Sometimes, we try so hard, it almost makes us sick. Sometimes, we decide there is no use in trying any more. Occasionally, at certain times of the year, we think of them.

We often review our own lives to see what went wrong and why this happened to us.

Whatever the cause, we want to understand and we try to make it better.

But sometimes there is no answer for what happened.

I think every family has a relative who just doesn't get along with the rest of the family. There can be many reasons...difference of opinions...usually something that none of the relatives involved can even remember. What caused the rift, why did the relative chose to pull away from the family? Whose fault is it? Is it anyone's fault? Why does it go on for years?

Who tries to make it better? Why won't the people involved try to reach a compromise? Will you always wish for the sibling who had pulled away? What can you do to reach them? Should you keep trying year after year after year? Would it be any better if you could get them to rejoin your life?

Should you just go on without them and not keep trying? Is the pain of constant rejection worth the effort of continuing to reach out to them? Will they ever regret withdrawing from the family...and especially from you?

I bet we all have a few photos where we are all lined up for some special occasion, like Easter, in our Sunday best clothes...but we don't all look the same way. It is obvious our moods are different. Some of us are smiling, and just waiting for the photo to be completed, some of us are just "there" not at all interested in the picture being taken. Some of us are secretly thinking nasty thoughts about the other.

Some of us think that we are one big happy family...

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE FUN OF YOUR SIBLING?

HOW MANY FAMILY REUNIONS WERE MISSED BY ONE OF YOUR RELATIVES....ON PURPOSE?

IS SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY ALWAYS GOING THE OTHER WAY?

I am thinking about one of my sisters....because her birthday is in 2 weeks. She is the second born (I am the oldest). We are 3-3/4th years apart. I don't recall that we ever went to the same school at the same time. She was in 8th grade when I graduated from high school. She was in high school when I was started working after a year in secretarial school in my new job. We still lived in the same house but we didn't see each other very often. I was dating my husband to be and she was working a part-time job and saving for college. She was the first one in my family to attend college. I was already married by that time and living with my husband. She was 20 when my son was born. She did come to visit me and brought along her boyfriend during those times. She taught school for a couple of years. I was busy with my son at home, I didn't drive. She got married. We did spend the holidays as a family for a couple of years until she moved, with her husband to another State. Once she was married, she started to withdraw from the family. After trying to have a child, she and her doctor husband were suddenly (within days) offered a newborn baby girl to adopt. We were all thrilled for her. I made a hand-made rag doll with clothes and tried to crochet a baby blanket for my new niece.

My sister became pregnant a few months later....this was something they never thought would happen.

She gave birth to a boy. We were all thrilled for her again. We visited when we could.

Her husband was now an internal medicine specialist and they moved to a beautiful new home in Illinois. My son was a couple of years older than my niece and nephew. My sister and I exchanged letters and cards nearly every week.

My sister was changing but we thought it was because of her husband. Although he was from our home town; he became very "elite". He had his name monogramed on his doctor's smock. He talked rudely about his patients. He mocked his neighbors. He became very ......snobbish. My sister seemed to be the same as ever but she wasn't.....

Their son was diagnosed with a fatal disease, something he was born with. As time went on, his struggles became more apparent. We were devastated. We went to visit as much as possible.

Our son became our nephew's little buddy and played with him like a big brother would. When our nephew died, our brother-in-law said my sister didn't need us. We did attend the funeral but were quickly told by our BIL not to stay afterwards.

The withdrawal by my sister was getting worse. We were sure she was suffering from depression.

We were also sure that the BIL was making her keep her distance from our family. We did visit her when it was "convenient". But the inevitable was coming quickly.

She did withdraw from me for many years but I kept on trying, sending cards, letters, notes, pictures. I kept her up-to-date on the lives of our mother and sisters.

Finally after a few years of silence, she sent me a letter and told me what was wrong. She had been sexually abused by our step-father. She claimed our mother knew about it and did nothing. She was angry, naturally, and blamed our mother, even more than her abuser. She told me that I needed to prove my love and faithfulness to her. I, of course, did send her a very long letter (in fact, I sent her several very long, long letters) about my love. I had no idea that she had gone through the abuse even though I shared a bedroom with her. Of course, during the time the abuse was going on, I was in high school, working part-time after school and dating my future husband. I didn't spend much time at home. She never told me anything was wrong. She was moody and withdrawn at that time, even at home.

Finally after writing all those letters and my sister still saying it wasn't enough to prove my love for her, I went to my mother and confronted her about the whole subject. She was shocked. She said she had asked my sister if anything was wrong many times and my sister never told her. She asked me to keep in touch with my sister and my mother even sent her a couple of letters. Nothing worked.

Then the mindgames with me began. If I truly "loved" my sister, I was to cut off all contact with my mother. (at this time, we lived about 5 houses from my mother and my son spent a lot of time with his grandmother when I was working and he wasn't in school). My sister just kept on me - saying terrible things about me and my "lack of compassion" for her when she needed me. This went on for several years. She finally stopped communicating with me. She had already cut off my other two sisters (they are younger).

Then, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I kept on writing to my sister suggesting that she try to make amends with my mother before it was too late. This resulted in me getting more nasty letters from my sister.

When our mother died, my husband called my BIL's office because we did not have a home phone number for my sister. She did call me back, she did come home for the funeral and she did spend time with my sisters and I. It was wonderful. We laughed and cried, we talked about the abuse and what the rest of us had gone through, we bonded as sisters. We even asked her if she wanted to come home and stay with us. She was a huge support to me during that few days.

Then her husband called; he was driving back here to pick her up to go home. She told me she would be changing her personality when he arrived...to get back into the life she leads as his wife...and she did. It was amazing! It was like she was never our sister. It was like I didn't know her at all.

I was convinced that her husband really was the root of the problem. Being married to an abused child did not meet his expectations of the proper wife. He didn't even like her nickname and wanted her to go by her given name. It sounds so proper and upstanding, he said. In many ways, she was being abused all over again, I believed.

So, then the cards and letters began again and all seemed to be well. Then, a few months later, she wrote one of the most vile and hateful letters I have ever seen. She accused ME of being behind all of the problems she had. She said I had terrorized her from the beginning of her memory. (Remember, I am 3 -3/4th years older than her!) She said I had manipulated my sisters for their whole lives too. And on and on and yada, yada, yada. The letters stopped after I wrote her a 32 page letter and defended myself and then told her that her verbal abuse of me was not going to continue. I love her and always will but I would not continue to let her use me as her punching bag for her anger. The silence continued...

After that, she did recontact me about 5 years ago and wanted to start over. My other sisters and I even included her on our e-mail exchanges. Then, she just stopped communicating again. Suddenly and with no reason given.

I continue to send her notes from time to time, around Mother's Day, the holidays and her birthday.

I continue to remind her that we are growing older and may not have much time left together. I continue to wonder if her husband was the one who caused this withdrawal after all. I now wonder if she has a mental problem. (some of the females in our family tree did suffer from serious depression and other mental problems. ). I do believe she was abused. I do believe her life has been difficult...she lost her only birth child at a very young age and her adopted daughter has some serious problems too.

I do think her husband has a huge influence on how she lives her life...She now lives in a penthouse apt. in Chicago. She has little communication with the outside world. She does see her daughter, she goes to movies with her husband, she reads books and magazines. But she has no friends, no car and even orders her groceries on-line and they are delivered to the 14th floor of her apartment building.

I just don't understand why she withdrew from the sisters that love her. I guess if she has depression, she can't help herself.

So, on that cheery note, I will write her a newsy letter and send it with her next birthday card.


I have 3 sisters but it feels like I only have two.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GINNY!!!

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