8:05 p.m. - 2006-01-06
Friday rant and jokes
Friday, January 06, 2006
OK, I am still in the mood to rant...especially about television these days.
I had a few favorite programs I really, really, like to watch. One of them was
TRADING SPACES. I watched every episode. I loved seeing the changes that they made with just a small amount of money and some great ideas. BUT THEN, IT HAPPENED... The show got popular and the producers, writers, whomever, decided to FIX IT!!!
That's right, they had to mess with success. Now it is usually a bunch of fooling around, playing tricks, dancing in the room, rolling on the floor, jumping ala Cruise on the couch, etc. We don't get to learn as much about the designs, we don't learn how to do the painting or make furniture or how to slipcover. Instead we listen to grown men and women act like children. I DON'T WATCH TRADING SPACES ANY MORE!!!
Then, I found another program I really liked. It is called MOVING UP. It is about 3 families who each trade up. #1 family buys #2 family's home, #2 family buys #3's home. #3 moved somewhere. After they have renovated and redecorated; #3 family comes back to see the changes and #2 family goes back to their former home where #1 now lives. They video tape their impressions and statements about the changes. I should have known once Doug (from Trading Spaces) showed up..that the good idea would turn into child's play again. He acts stupid, he is arrogant, he may help do something - but he basically just chats during the program, wasting time that we could be watching the changes in the homes. We could be learning how to do them ourselves too.
Another program I like to watch is WHAT NOT TO WEAR. The basic theme is to find a person who does not dress appropriately and give them a $5000 credit card. They bring their own clothes to New York. They are told what they should be looking for in clothing. The person is then sent out on their own to find the proper styles, proportions, colors, shapes etc. Then the next day, the two hosts help them make more choices. Finally they get a great haircut and makeup tips. At the end, they model some of the clothing. It was a great way to learn how to dress for your body shape and get some hints on hair styles and makeup tips. Now, the hosts act like Bozo the Clown, and sneak up on the person who is usually trying desperately to find the right clothing. They waste a lot of air time with fooling around. I would really like to spend more time with Nick who does the hair styles and find out why he chose that particular style and how to get it to look that way...same goes for the make up. So once again, the powers that be take a good theme and mess it up.
I don't always get this upset about television but I just get mad when a good program is ruined by someone who thinks they need to fix it when it is already a successful show.
Now, just to prove that I still have a sense of humor, here are some cute jokes
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed,and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician
See you online!
##########
THE 16 TOP COUNTRY WESTERN SONG COUNT-DOWN
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better! After Every Beer
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A
Few
$$$$$$$$$$
A Man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
###########
Falling Asleep in Meetings?
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size.
Divide the card into columns--five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam
W., Atlanta
-- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David
T., Florida
-- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first
win."
- Dan J., New York City
-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver
-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the
third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be played
at the next meeting."
- Jim O., Portland
###########
here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made! from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
WELL, I HOPE THIS PROVES I STILL HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. PLEASE ENJOY ALL THE JOKES AND FEEL FREE TO TAKE THEM FOR YOUR OWN JOURNAL
