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3:11 p.m. - 2007-03-23
THE KEY TO HAPPINESS
Friday, March 23, 2007


I'VE GOT THE BLAHS.......

FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, I FEEL DEPRESSED TODAY.....

I'VE GOT THE BLUES TOO.................

AND I FEEL SO SAD........................WHY???

I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL LIKE THIS.......

I AM ASHAMED THAT I FEEL SO BAD FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON......

I DON'T KNOW WHY I FEEL SO ............WHATEVER.......

I WILL TRY TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM VERY SOON. PROMISE....

OK, I WILL ADMIT, THESE JOKES DID MAKE ME LAUGH OUTLOUD!!!
***

THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES, FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY : WELL, I THINK THEY ARE TRUE....

FEMALE SOFA-----
A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no shit; Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a "ping-pong" ball. (Boy - I live a sheltered life!)

BLIND DRUNK-----
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!---
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening For a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.


*****

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells...."Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "FIRE!!"

******
Eight Words with Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SO NOW I AM LOOKING FOR THE KEY TO HAPPINESS....

TO BE CONTINUED................

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