6:53 p.m. - 2006-03-16
BUNCH OF JOKES FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I have decided it is a good evening for Jokes. Since they are predicting snow...again...I might as well have something to laugh about.
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Bubba and Junior
(Better than a Blonde Joke)
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the
reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
Baby boomer version of favorite songs:
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up,
Bitch."
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A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
So, the American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved, was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...
what is it that you wish for?
The woman did not hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years! ! I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
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A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem: the gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'run raised Southern Baptist.." Once again, the Keeper agreed.
4. "And last of all," Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
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An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
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Be sure and read this all the way through !
Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.****
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While
looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and
tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the
manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since
the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)
Teaching Math In 2006*
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la
produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
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THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A JOKE....
WARNING!
Beware of cheap mulch!
FYI for those who plan on any landscaping this year.
If you buy mulch this spring and summer, make sure you know where
it came from.
If you use mulch around your house be very careful about buying
mulch this year. After the Hurricane in New Orleans many trees were
blown over. These trees were then turned into mulch and the state is
trying to get rid of tons and tons of this mulch to any state or
company who will come and haul it away. So it will be showing up in
Home Depot and Lowes at dirt cheap prices with one huge problem;
Formosan Termites will be the bonus in many of those bags.
New Orleans is one of the few areas in the country where the Formosan Termites has gotten a stronghold and most of the trees blown down were already badly infested with those termites. Now we may have the worst case of transporting a problem to all parts of the country that we have ever had. These termites can eat a house in no time at all and there
apparently is no good control against them, so tell your friends that
own homes to avoid cheap mulch and know were it came from.
Shortcut to: http://www.agctr.lsu.edu/termites/
Just what everybody needs, right?
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GOOD .....
In Pearland, Texas a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not having any success. Then he
discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And to think kids used to sell lemonade).
BETTER .....
In Plano, Texas a motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar site; and a $100 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, the motorist mailed the police department a picture of a $100 bill. The police department responded with a photograph of handcuffs.
BEST !!!!!
A young woman was pulled over in Austin for speeding. As the State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball".
He replied, "Texas State Trooper s don't have balls". There was a moment
of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had just said. He
then flipped his ticket book closed, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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Floyd: Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
Sheriff: "Yes."
Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. Floyd: "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
Virgil: "Yep!"
Floyd: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Virgil: "Yep."
Floyd: "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Who says rednecks aren't real bright
############### "Revenge"
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep ofa house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the littleboy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Annie . THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had themoney to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still draggingthe frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if You must know, tonight when I get home, my Parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the disease hat I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back,Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch The disease. Then when Dad gets home from The baby-sitters,
he and Mom will go to bed ANd have sex, and Mom will catch it.In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie WIth Mom and catch the disease,
AND HE'S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG."!!!!
sO THAT IS ENOUGH JOKING AROUND FOR TONIGHT.
HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU.
