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5:07 p.m. - 2006-02-18
my weekend
Saturday, February 18, 2006

We are having a wonderful weekend so far...at least, I am...

My dear husband ordered a new TIVO for me. I have had one which records 30 hrs for a few years. and he just got me one that will record 80 hours.!!!

Can you imagine? First of all, I can't watch 30 hours in a weekend but now I have 80 hrs so I can fill it up with all kinds of programing and I can keep it to watch for months!!!! I am such a lucky girl!!! The best part is that he got the Tivos switched without any major problems. THAT, is the best part.

There is nothing like a husband who is trying to do a good thing having all kinds of bad things happen. I usually leave the house for a couple of hours so he can feel free to stomp around, swear, cuss and throw things.

However, today I was only gone about an hour and he was moving right along.
I am sure we have all experienced A project that just goes wrong.


My cat, Dakota (grey long hair) is sleeping on the chair right by my desk and she is so cute because she is snoring....yes, she is.

My husband and I had to make a purchase today for our younger cat, Callie. She is about 8 months old now and needed a new toy. We bought
a large scratching post with an upper level and 3 "mice" hanging from rawhide strings and the top has a large area where the cat can lie down.

Callie has already fallen in love with it and likes to sit on top in the sun and try to catch the little flecks of dust that float in the air. We have a very large cat scratching post with 3 levels in our basement area. The cats like to sit on it so they can see out the window to the backyard.

We also bought a new clock radio that will automatically reset to the correct time if the power goes off.

And to top it all off, my husband connected the old Tivo to our little kitchen tv so I can watch all the Olympics I had recorded before we give the Tivo to our son and DIL for their girls.

We finished off the day by eating at my favorite restaurant. LOGAN'S STEAKHOUSE ....love those ROLLs.....love them

Now for a few jokes...

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."


WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "$90,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"


MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....


Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

%%%%

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to see the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping didn't hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his 'boys' were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"


The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

____________________

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former
President Clinton appeared on the television.

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled:
"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary
Clinton appeared on the television.

"She's a horse's ass too!" the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood
up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must
be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

@@@@@

Subject: semantics

>An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
>might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out.
>They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
>
>"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it
infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"
@@@@@@@@

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"


"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."


MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt , then I'll feel terrible plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous

I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get
in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

########## I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.


Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THAT HAPPENED?

****

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

****

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

****

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

****

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

****

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"


Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."


Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."


Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

****
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, " God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

****

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"


The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."


A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

22222222222222

Three little ducks go into a bar..........................


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"


"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

@@@@@@@@@@@@...

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise .

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, isinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere .


AND FOR ALL MY TEXAN FRIENDS........

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again! was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

33333333333333

Subject: Refund
Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time

A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought! because it won't work.

The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

3333333333333333333333
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all. Then the phone rings...it's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't even get a hangover."

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No......."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."


@@@@@@@@@@

Subject: FW: Men's speech patterns


1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.


and now.....................THE END

We all know those cute little computer symbols
called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
and respectively.
Well, how about some "ass icons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass hole
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

Laughter is indeed the best medicine. The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities.
So go ahead, laugh and make others laugh.

OOPS, I ALMOST FORGOT. MY HUSBAND IS LOOKING FOR THE MUSIC CD OF DUEL AT DIABLO SOUNDTRACK BY NEAL HEFTI.

If anyone has it, would you please let me know? THANK YOU.



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