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5:07 p.m. - 2006-02-18 We are having a wonderful weekend so far...at least, I am... My dear husband ordered a new TIVO for me. I have had one which records 30 hrs for a few years. and he just got me one that will record 80 hours.!!! Can you imagine? First of all, I can't watch 30 hours in a weekend but now I have 80 hrs so I can fill it up with all kinds of programing and I can keep it to watch for months!!!! I am such a lucky girl!!! The best part is that he got the Tivos switched without any major problems. THAT, is the best part. There is nothing like a husband who is trying to do a good thing having all kinds of bad things happen. I usually leave the house for a couple of hours so he can feel free to stomp around, swear, cuss and throw things. However, today I was only gone about an hour and he was moving right along.
My husband and I had to make a purchase today for our younger cat, Callie. She is about 8 months old now and needed a new toy. We bought Callie has already fallen in love with it and likes to sit on top in the sun and try to catch the little flecks of dust that float in the air. We have a very large cat scratching post with 3 levels in our basement area. The cats like to sit on it so they can see out the window to the backyard. We also bought a new clock radio that will automatically reset to the correct time if the power goes off. And to top it all off, my husband connected the old Tivo to our little kitchen tv so I can watch all the Olympics I had recorded before we give the Tivo to our son and DIL for their girls. We finished off the day by eating at my favorite restaurant. LOGAN'S STEAKHOUSE ....love those ROLLs.....love them Now for a few jokes... THE PERFECT HUSBAND MAN: "Hello."
%%%% The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to see the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping didn't hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his 'boys' were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots." ____________________ A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled: A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary "She's a horse's ass too!" the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!" @@@@@ Subject: semantics >An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?" A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt , then I'll feel terrible plus they may sue me.) I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! ########## I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF THAT HAPPENED? **** Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. **** The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. **** All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. **** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea. **** Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
**** The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." **** A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
22222222222222 Three little ducks go into a bar..........................
"Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"My name is Puddles." @@@@@@@@@@@@... EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Dress Code Sick Days Personal Days Bereavement Leave Toilet Use Lunch Break Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, isinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere .
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 33333333333333 Subject: Refund A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought! because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!" The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! 3333333333333333333333 So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all. Then the phone rings...it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't even get a hangover." Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No......." "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
Subject: FW: Men's speech patterns
Laughter is indeed the best medicine. The old adage has been backed up by a recent study. Findings show that people with a good sense of humor and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease when compared to aggressive, antisocial personalities.
OOPS, I ALMOST FORGOT. MY HUSBAND IS LOOKING FOR THE MUSIC CD OF DUEL AT DIABLO SOUNDTRACK BY NEAL HEFTI. If anyone has it, would you please let me know? THANK YOU.
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