7:43 p.m. - 2006-02-15
Wednesday jokes
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Currently Reading
Oh My Stars : A Novel
By Lorna Landvik
see related
It's Wednesday, the work week is nearly over.....and what are we planning for the weekend, folks???
HOW ABOUT SOME JOKES???????????? READY????
PREPARING FOR THE GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence ..
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
3. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
4. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
5. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
6. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
7. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
8 Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
10.Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
12.Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
13.Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is :"OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
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Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was
black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother
tells him.
So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his
dad.
"Well, it's like this dad ... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until its dark and steal the
fucking thing."
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By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace
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Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."
"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got
pregnant again."
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm gonna take Earlene with me."
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----10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your CAR.
###############################
English -I Love You
Spanish - Te Amo
French - T'aime
German - lch Liebe Dich
Japanese -hite Imasu Thai Phom rak khun
Italian - Ti amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida.....
"NICE ASS, GET IN THE TRUCK!!!"
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A Driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon"
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- You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like
this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business...... What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start
with some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
???????? (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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----- THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY SISTER WHO IS A TEACHER AND ALL MY TEACHER FRIENDS.
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One
man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest....
"You're a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?"
Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, You want to know what I make?
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.
"You want to know what I make?
I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts
in English.
I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your
heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, must pay no
attention because they just didn't learn.
Susan paused and then continued.
"You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?
THIS IS WORTH SENDING TO EVERY TEACHER YOU KNOW. (everyone on your
mailing list, for that matter). THERE IS MUCH TRUTH IN THAT STATEMENT.
"Teachers make every other profession possible!"
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An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the
telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts AC of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and
then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
THIS DEMONSTRATES THAT SOME PROBLEMS CAN BE FIXED BY PISSING AND MOANING.!!
Have a good night....
