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6:20 p.m. - 2005-12-15
Mr. Grinch
Thursday, December 15, 2005

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Author: Dr. Seuss
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.


You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.


You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.


I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.


You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.


Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crockodile.


You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.


The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."


You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.


Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.


You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.


You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool
sandwich
With arsenic sauce.
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I can feel it coming, the sarcastic, nasty, accusatory tones, the snarly voice, the mean spirited words. YES, It's coming.

The Holiday Spirit (remember, it's not Christmas anymore, we have to be politicially correct now) is soon going to suffer an untimely death, the carolers, the festivities and the decorations will be going straight to HELL.

I work in an insurance agency office. I handle the claims between the customer and the insurance companies. We write for several insurance companies. I try to coordinate the claim information such as police reports, estimates of damage, information about the claimants, and so on between the customer and the insurance adjuster. This means that I am in the middle of most of the claims and when there is disagreement...I....AM....THE.....ONE....WHO....HEARS....IT....FROM....ALL...SIDES.

The first part of this month was good. People were cheerful and looking forward to the next holiday. They were smiling and joking and pleasant. However, it is 10 days before Christmas and the thoughts of being unprepared, having so much work to do, all the gifts to be purchased, wrapped and distributed and then paying for it all is becoming a burden. People are getting snarly...they are in a bad mood. They have NO patience, they want their car, house, tires, towing, and any of the other various problems to disappear NOW!!!!!!!!!! They are impatient, difficult, unwelding, unsatisfied and uncaring about how yelling at me only makes me feel bad...

So, in an effort to keep smiling for the next 10 days, here are some jokes, some cartoons and some great links for you to enjoy.

And please don't yell at me, I only work here....


One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
[NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]

###############


Christmas Cookie Recipe

'Tis the season to enjoy this again.


Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka

Directions:
Sample the Absolute to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup, just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Absolut to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Absolute.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add 1 table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

@@@@@@@@@@@@

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,

holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget

It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends.


Take the time!
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"Alligator Diet"

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says, "I
don't understand how you can be so much bigger
than me. We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been
eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmmm... Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmmm.. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone
to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake
the crap out of'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your
problem. See, by the time you get done shakin'
the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but
lips and a briefcase."


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and
stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

pLEASE LINK ON TO THIS LINK.

http://www.orapois.com/br/arquivos/09102003084653755g.swf. this is very cute

@@@@@@@@@

Subject: FW: A message from the CA HWY PATROL - THIS IS SERIOUS


PLEASE READ - MESSAGE FROM CA HWY PATROL

You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car, and get inside. You start the engine and shift into REVERSE, You look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space and you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window.

You shift into PARK, unlock your doors, jump out of your car and walk to the rear to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of no where, jump into your car and take off! Your engine was running and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.

Guess what ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car...

BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.

Just drive away. Remove the paper that is stuck to your window - later.

A purse contains all of your identification, and you certainly do NOT want someone getting your home address. They already HAVE your keys!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

> > Subject: An atheist was walking through the woods...

> > An atheist was taking a walk through the woods...yeah, that's it....
> >
> > "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
> >
> > As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
> > behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot GRIzzly charge toward
> > him.
> >
> > He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He Looked over his shoulder
> > again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
> > He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike
> > him.
> > At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!... Time stopped.
> > The bear froze. The forest was silent.
> >
> > As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
> > deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
> Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
> as a believer?"
> >
> > The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
> > me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
> >
> > "Very well," said the voice. The light went out.
> > The sounds of the forest resumed.
> >
> > And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to
> > receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."

HAVE A HAPPY EVENING.



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