6:54 p.m. - 2005-12-01
Dec 1 jokes
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I haven't put an entry in for almost a week. I went back to work Monday and just haven't had time since then. Today is the night before my day off of work and the weekend. I have so many cute jokes, I decided to put a few on for my journal buddies.
Here goes...
Check these little babies out. Go to MARZIPAN BABIES.COM (UNDER URBAN LEGENDS.
I dont' know if they are really made from almond paste but they are beautiful!!
>
>Definition of Marzipan
>
>Almond paste:
>A sweet paste made of ground almonds and sugar, often with egg whites or
>yolks, used as a layer in cakes or molded into ornamental shapes
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Here a good set of 4 jokes about affairs.
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue. "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
Link on this nex one for a laugh.....
This is cute. Turn up the sound.
http://www.goodolddogs.com/older.html
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program.
During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:
"You know, I don't really know -- I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better< /SPAN>
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
> I'm Glad You're In My Dash
>
> I read of a man who stood to speak
> At the funeral of a friend.
> He referred to the dates on his tombstone,
> From the beginning...to the end.
>
> He noted that first came his date of birth
> And spoke the following date with tears,
> But he said what mattered most of all
> Was the dash between those years.
>
> (1942 - 2005)
>
> For that dash represents all the time
> That he spent alive on earth...
> And now only those who loved him,
> Know what that little line is worth.
>
> For it matters not, how much we own;
> The cars...the house...the cash,
> What matters is how we live and love
> And how we spend our dash.
>
> So think about this long and hard...
> Are there things you'd like to change?
> For you never know how much time is left,
> That can still be rearranged.
>
> If we could just slow down enough
> To consider what's true and real,
> And always try to understand
> The way other people feel
>
> And be less quick to anger,
> And show appreciation more
> And love the people in our lives
> Like we've never loved before.
>
> If we treat each other with respect,
> And more often wear a smile..
> Remembering that this special dash
> Might only last a little while.
>
> So, when your eulogy's being read
> With your life's actions to rehash...
> Would you be proud of the things they say
> About how you spent your dash?
>
> If you have received this, it means that you are truly special
> to the one that sent this to you.
