3:03 p.m. - 2005-11-26
2 days after Thanksgiving
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Currently Listening
This Woman
By LeAnn Rimes, LeAnn Rimes
see related
Two days after Thanksgiving and I think it is time for some humor to enjoy along with the leftovers.
A LOVE STORY...?
> I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
> I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...
> I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN. I
> WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
> I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M
> FINISHED WITH YOU.
> AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
>
> ALL MY LOVE,
> THE FLU
> Now get your mind out of the gutter..............
> and GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Here are some true household hints....
Keep this on the Fridge
Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
If you send this to 10 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was worth it
**********************
FRIENDS
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die
Before you do
I'll go to heaven
And wait for you
I'll give the angels
Back their wings
And risk the loss
Of everything
Just to prove
My friendship is true
I'm thankful to have
Family and Friends like you!
Hope you have a great second day after Thanksgiving...
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