2:08 p.m. - 2005-11-19
pre holiday jokes
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Currently Reading
A Wild Ride Up the Cupboards : A Novel
By Ann Bauer
see related
It's a gorgeous daya today in Indiana. The sky is a beautiful blue with no storm clouds in sight. There is a college football game gearing up and lots of people in town to see the game or shop.
Here's a good way to think about the world these days...
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Subject:Dirt Roads
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What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.
There's not a problem in CANADA today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride.
That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.
We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along.
There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.
Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs.
And there were no drive by shootings.
Our values were better when our roads were worse!
People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks.
Dirt Roads taught patience.
Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk.
For your mail, you walked to the mail box.
What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.
At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.
Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.
At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.
At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.
Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road!
AND HERE IS A REALLY CUTE LITTLE STORY
PLEASE USE THIS LINK!
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
and...what about this one?
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her
co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The
taste is unbelievable!
And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes those guys wrestle
full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the
horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It
is just incredible! They then asked,
Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in
the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
(The picture that didn't print was of a Skoal's can of chewing tobacco!!)
AND HERE IS ANOTHER GOOD JOKE FOR TODAY
Subject: CLASSY LADY
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight, so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A young gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, Madam. I don't intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But Madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties & your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
and another one for you to think about....
please use the link below....
Life Begins At Fifty
http://www.whimsical-wits.com/fun_pages/life50.htm
AND WHAT???? THERE'S MORE...
Subject: long sermon
two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
AND YES, THERE IS STILL MORE....WILL THE FUN EVERY STOP TODAY?
Subject: HAVE A GREAT DAY
THIS SHOULD MAKE YOU SMILE...........HAVE A GREAT DAY!
TURN ON THE SPEAKERS! and use the link.
http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf
^^^^^^
And believe it or not, I have more....
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is: you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God, "it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to my calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
AND FINALLY, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO ARE COOKING THANKSGIVING DINNER THIS YEAR. THE FOLLOWING IS JUST FOR YOU....
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Happy weekend.
