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4:46 p.m. - 2005-10-25
butt dust
Today I have been thinking about my life...

What would I have done differently if I could?

What mistakes have I made?

What am I proud of? What am I not proud of?

Why do bad things happen to good people I know?

How can I be supportive of my friends and family?

Some days, it seems like the minutes just drag...and then it seems like a month has gone by so quickly and soon the entire year is over. At my age, the years are adding up. I keep thinking I only have one life and am I spending my time wisely? Those thoughts led to the questions above.

I have probably written a journal entry before this one about my life. For the most part, I believe it has been good. Sure, I had a few things happen to me when I was younger that I wished didn't occur.

I probably would have been very happy if my parents had not divorced when I was about 8. It was hard to grow up at that time with a divorce in your family. It was especially sad not to have your Daddy there when you wanted him. My mother did the best she could but money was tight and I am sure there were times when she wished for someone to share the load of caring for three daughters. My sisters and I were separated from both our parents for several months. Dad had moved on and even remarried. Mom was trying to find a job in order to earn enough to provide for us. We sisters lived with Mom's uncle and aunt for several months. I remember living in Niles, Mi. Royal Center, Indiana, Rochester, Indiana and probably a couple more small towns. We had enough to eat and we were happy but we did miss our Mom. I missed my Dad (my other two sisters don't even remember him).

I went through a time of sexual abuse. And although I know that all ABUSE is wrong, I am grateful that my abuse was not as bad as it could have been. It has affected me in many ways but I don't dwell on it on a regular basis so I try not to let it be a big part of my life now.

When I graduated from high school, I knew there was not enough money for college so I said I didn't want to go. I didn't know for sure what I wanted to do for a job. At that time, normally, you worked until you got married. Then you spent your time being a housewife and mother. That sounded good to me and I was looking forward to it. I did get married to my high school sweetheart when we turned 20 and about 2 1/2 years later, we had a baby...our only child...a son. I was able to stay home with him until he turned 6. My husband was working as a police officer and took a second part-time job. I decided it just wasn't fair for him to work so hard when I could get a job. Our son was in first grade. He could stay with my mother and step father in the early morning before school and after school because they lived a few houses down the street. So off to work, I went.

I was fortunate to find a job that I loved. I started as a secretary for an insurance claims office and worked my way up the ladder to Senior Claims Representative. I took insurance courses and got 3 Associate Degrees. My final intention was to be an Assistant Claims Manager. Before I could get to that point, our insurance company was bought out by a larger one. They came in and changed everything. My final job was one I loved very much. Senior Claims Representative for Workers Compensation. I could have done that job forever...except the new company treated us as if we were morons. They took away all authority we had, moved all the supervisors around and basically tried to run out all the people who had been there and accrued good benefits. By that time, I had 5 weeks paid vacation and I dearly enjoyed that benefit as well as the people I worked with both in my own office and in the Division Office.

Finally, after making my life a living hell and basically sucking the life out of me, I had a decision to make. I was old enough, had 25 years in the business and was able to take my 401K, my savings, my vacation and leave receiving a bonus for my many years. The year after I quit, they took away most of those benefits.

I did not want to leave that job but I was just getting too stressed over it. I tried working for an attorney for 6 months but she was a workaholic. I loved the work there too but I didn't have enough time to de-stress. I quit there and went to work for an insurance agency. After 5 years, I am still here handling the claims between the people and the various insurance companies. I work part-time 4 days a week.

I have been married for 40 years. We are usually very happy. It isn't moonlight and roses all the time but we get along very well. We have enough similarities in our beliefs and enough differences that we have an interesting life. We travel about the USA at least once a year, we have taken 2 cruises to the Carribean in last 2 years, and we generally can do what we want to do. We don't have expensive tastes, we don't eat at fancy restaurants, we don't drink, we don't gamble (except for the nickel slots in Vegas a couple of times).

We only had one son. We did try for another baby for a very short time but decided it wasn't worth it if my husband had to work two jobs to support us. Also, I didn't want to have a baby and have to go back to work so someone else could raise my child.

Now I am in the "twilight years" -the golden years - thinking about retirement and wondering what will happen in the next 5 years.

In my next entry, I will talk about what I would have done differntly....

What about you?

^^^^^^^^^^^
THE STRANGER
>
> A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to
our town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting
newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was
quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few
months later.

As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. Mom taught me
to love the Word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it, but the stranger
was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales.
Adventures, mysteries and comedies were daily conversations. He could
hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening.

He was like a friend to the whole family. He took Dad, Bill and me to
our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to
see the movies, and he even made arrangements to introduce us to several
movie stars.

The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but
sometimes Mom would quietly get up while the rest of us were enthralled
with one of his stories of faraway places, go to her room, read her
Bible, and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger
would leave.

You see, my dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but
this stranger never felt an obligation to honor them. Profanity, for
example, was not allowed in our house...not from us, from our friends,
or adults. Our longtime visitor, however, used occasional four-letter
words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge the
stranger was never confronted.

My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home, not even
for cooking. But the stranger felt like we needed exposure and
enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer and other
alcoholic beverages often. He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly,
and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive and generally
embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the man/woman
relationship were influenced by the stranger.

As I look back, I believe it was because of the grace of God that the
stranger did not influence us more. Time after time he opposed the
values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to
leave.

More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with the
young family on Morningside Drive. But if I were to walk into my
parents' den today, you would still see him sitting over in a corner,
waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his
pictures.

His name?


We always just called him TV.

~Author Unknown~

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Dee (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Bye for now


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