12:58 p.m. - 2005-09-30
Joke Friday
Hello Friends.
My husband and I are getting ready to leave for a 2 weeks vacation;. We know we are visiting two relatives in Ilinois and relatives in Texas and also going to Oklahoma to see where my mother was born and another place but other than that, we are winging it. We plan to take our mapping program and our laptop and just pick places every night to go to the next day. It might be fun...
So here are a hodge podge of jokes for you. I will be blogging on our vacation.
*******************
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday
were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed
her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she
started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew. . "They won't let me fart."
**************
Why do men's hearts beat quicker,
go weak in the knees, get dry throats
and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE
A NEW TRUCK !!!
***************
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to!
*****************
A Wild Night at Our House
HOW TRUE IT IS.....
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends homes,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were happy.
Now we suffer body aches
and sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get backaches
from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too dadblamed old!!
***************
Subject: Fun stuff to know
A quiz for people who like to think.
These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.
8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers?
10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach! first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other 6.
11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls! (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . . asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball . . . baseball.
5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . strawberry.
6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
7. Three English words beginning with dw . dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . . period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . . in Minnesota. (The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.)
10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit . taking a base on balls (a walk) . . . batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops third strike, fielder's choice, and being designated as a pinch-runner.
11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh . lettuce.
12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "s" . . . shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
***************
This next one made me gasp outloud.
This is not all enclusive of opinions of this blogger but certainly raises some interesting thoughts and opinions.
> Dear God:
>
>
> Why didn't you save the school children at ?.
>
> Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96
> Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
> Pearl, Mississippi 10/1/97
> West Paducah, Kentucky 12/1/97
> Stamp, Arkansas 12/15/97
> Jonesboro, Arkansas 3/24/98
> Edinboro, Pennsylvania 4/24/98
> Fayetteville, Tennessee 5/19/98
> Springfield, Oregon 5/21/98
> Richmond, Virginia 6/15/98
> Littleton, Colorado 4/20/99
> Taber, Alberta, Canada 5/28/99
> Conyers, Georgia 5/20/99
> Deming, New Mexico 11/19/99
> Fort Gibson, Oklahoma 12/6/99
> Santee, California 3/ 5/01 and
> El Cajon, California 3/22/01?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Concerned Student
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> Reply:
>
> Dear Concerned Student:
>
> I am not allowed in schools.
>
> Sincerely,
> God
>
> ******************
How did this get started?...
> Let's see,
>
> I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools.
>
And we said, OK...
>
------------------
Then,
>
> someone said you better not read the Bible in school, the Bible that says
> "thou shalt not kill,
> thou shalt not steal,
> and love your neighbors as Yourself,"
>
And we said, OK...
>
----------------
>
Dr. Benjamin Spock said > we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehaved because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem.
>
And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we won't spank them anymore..
>
------------------
>
Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave.
And the school administrators said
no faculty member in this school
better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued.
>
And we accepted their reasoning...
> ------------------
>
Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want,
and they won't even have to tell their parents.
>
And we said, that's a grand idea...
> ------------------
>
Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, so
let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school.
>
And we said, that's another great idea...
>
------------------
>
Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs.
>
And we said, it doesn't matter what anybody, including the President,
does in private as long as we have jobs and the economy is good....
>
------------------
>
And someone else took that appreciation a step further
and published pictures of nude children
and then stepped further still by
making them available on the Internet.
And we said, everyone's entitled to free speech....
>
------------------
>
And the entertainment industry said,
let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence and illicit sex...
>
And let's record music that encourages
rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes...
>
And we said, it's just entertainment
and it has no adverse effect
and nobody takes it seriously anyway,
so go right ahead...
>
------------------
>
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, classmates or even themselves.
>
------------------
>
Undoubtedly, if we thought about it long and hard enough, we could figure it out.
>
I'm sure it has a great deal to do with...
>
"WE REAP WHAT WE SOW,"
>
------------------
>
Pass it on if you think it has merit!
>
> If not then just discard it...
> but if you discard this thought process, then don't you dare sit back and complain about what bad shape this country is in!
>
------------------
NOW ONTO A LIGHTER SUBJECT.
TO GET YOUR DAY STARTED!!!!
> >>
A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he
could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the
intersection with him.
Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed
in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus
> Do?"bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "Naturally, I
assumed you had stolen the car!!
********** >
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
>
> > Subject: Red Dot
> >
> > I feel guilty laughing at this, but it is funny.
> >
> >
FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy
in Washington, DC.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has
won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Sorry, I just can't help it.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming
-- WOW-- What a Ride!!!"
