1:45 p.m. - 2005-09-23
Friday's jokes
Since today is Friday and the beginning of our last weekend in September and it is now Fall. I am dedicating this journal to JOKES!!!
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated
his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones?," "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
ta ta dum***********************
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day.
***********************
this is just plain double cool!!!!
Not your usual jigsaw puzzle! This is so neat!
http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf
*********************************
I was driving home from work when, out of nowhere, a bird
slammed into my windshield.
The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield
wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch.
On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the police car behind me.
Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."
TA TA Dum***********************
>
> The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
>
>
>
>
> Good: Your wife is pregnant.
> Bad: It's triplets.
> Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
>
> Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
> Bad: She wants a divorce.
> Ugly: She's a lawyer.
>
> Good: Your son is finally maturing.
> Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
> Ugly: So are you.
>
> Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
> Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
> Ugly: You're in them.
>
> Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
> Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
> Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
>
> Good: Your husband understands fashion.
> Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
> Ugly: He looks better than you.
>
> Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
> Bad: She keeps interrupting.
> Ugly: With corrections.
>
> Good: The postman's early.
> Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
> Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
>
> Good: Your son is dating someone new.
> Bad: It's another man.
> Ugly: He's your best friend.
>
> Good: Your daughter got a new job.
> Bad: As a hooker.
> Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
>
****************************
Subject: questions for Hilary
Interesting Questions.........
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess....
Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him for his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth.............?"
****************************
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it
carefully.
Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged iton the glass counter. That did it!
"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question
"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick.. and I want to buy a miracle."
I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now So how much does a miracle cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."
How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. "And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents .... plus the faith of a little child.. In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need..
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.. I know you'll keep the ball moving!
Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!
A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.
MY OATH TO YOU...
When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.
When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried.....I will give you hope.
When you are confused.....I will help you cope.
And when you are lost....And can't see the light.
I shall be your beacon.....Shining ever so bright.
This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?.....Because you're my friend.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Subject: THE FISHERMAN
A small boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta
with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs . . I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
And after that?" asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
And the moral is:
Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Do you remember these?
Subject: Burma Shave
> Trains don't wander
> All over the map
> 'Cause nobody sits
> In the engineer's lap
> Burma Shave
>
She kissed the hairbrush
> By mistake
> She thought it was
> Her husband Jake
USE BURMA SHAVE
>
For those who never saw the Burma shave signs, here is a quick
lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40's. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
> TO GAIN A MINUTE
> YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
> YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
> Burma Shave
>
> DROVE TOO LONG
> DRIVER SNOOZING
> WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
> IS NOT AMUSING
> Burma Shave
>
> BROTHER SPEEDER
> LET'S REHEARSE
> ALL TOGETHER
> GOOD MORNING NURSE
> Burma Shave
>
> SPEED WAS HIGH
> WEATHER WAS NOT
> TIRES WERE THIN
> X MARKS THE SPOT
> Burma Shave
>
> THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
> OF PAUL FOR BEER
> LED TO A WARMER
> HEMISPHERE
> Burma Shave
>
> AROUND THE CURVE
> LICKETY-SPLIT
> ITS A BEAUTIFUL CAR
> WASN'T IT?
> Burma Shave
>
> NO MATTER THE PRICE
> NO MATTER HOW NEW
> THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
> IN THE CAR IS YOU
> Burma Shave
>
> A GUY WHO DRIVES
> A CAR WIDE OPEN
> IS NOT THINKIN'
> HE'S JUST HOPIN'
> Burma Shave
>
> AT INTERSECTIONS
> LOOK EACH WAY
> A HARP SOUNDS NICE
> BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
> Burma Shave
>
> BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
> EYES ON THE ROAD
> THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
> DRIVER'S CODE
> Burma Shave
>
> THE ONE WHO DRIVES
> WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
> DEPENDS ON THE CAR
> TO DO HIS THINKING
> Burma Shave
>
> CAR IN DITCH
> DRIVER IN TREE
> THE MOON WAS FULL
> AND SO WAS HE.
> Burma Shave
>
> PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
> TAKE IT SLOW
> LET OUR LITTLE
> SHAVERS GROW
> Burma Shave
>
> Deadly thoughts
> About lights that shine
> If he won't dim his
> Then I won't dim mine
> Burma Shave
>
> And the all time favorite:
>
> Don't stick your arm
> Out the window too far
> It might go home
> In another car
> Burma Shave
>
> Do these bring back memories??
*******************
Subject: FW: sign of the times
I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five
dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
****************************
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, Because 'It really Satisfies.' The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So, the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a BEer. "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX" The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!
A little shaken the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD", because Quality is Job One. Then adds "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says," I call mine CHEVY......Like a Rock!" and gives him a wink.
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET, now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
********************************
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>
> Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.
>
> Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
>
> "If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
>
> Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and Stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?", I asked.
>
> "They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies.
>
> I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
> my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"
>
> Without missing a beat he SMILED AND said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>
> He is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
>walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
*****************************
Subject: Teacher's job interview
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right . .
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism,
good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social
behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by
letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY"
****************************
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone!
2. It's always darkest before dawn. (So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
best time to do it.)
3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. Don't worry...no one is listening. (until you fart)
5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. (That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and plus, you have their shoes.!)
7. If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is not for you.
8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, forget it... it was worth it.
10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
11. There are two theories to arguing with women. Unfortunately, neither one works.
12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
***************
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her
husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he
means her legs."
******************
Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut when he accidentally cut
off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I
can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."
"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord- it's 2005!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have
put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
To which Ole says........
"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?
HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. More later.....
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......
Damn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"
