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4:45 p.m. - 2005-09-20
JOKES AND ADVICE


NOW I've heard everything!!


Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come
look at; "The lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, ( in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to
be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the
miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when
it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is
a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just...
Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More
silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and
our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker -..... Priceless

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was Stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!


HONESTY
My son Zachary,4,came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out
and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,
then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up
and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

SURPRISE

a little boy followed his sister into the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I
found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


ADAM AND EVE

t he little boy was looking through an old Bible at Church. He found an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

----------------------------------------this may be true and maybe not but it is worth reading over.----------------------------------------
>>> This was forwarded to me from the Aunts & a nurse friend. Scary stuff.
>>> Fortunately, we don't use the microwave often, but when we do we're making all the mistakes. However, we won't continue to do so . . .
>>>
>>> Ivan Cancer news from John Hopkins
>>>
>>> No plastics in microwave.
>>> No water bottles in freezer.
>>> No plastic wrap in microwave.
>>> John Hopkins has recently sent these warnings out in their newsletter. This information is also being circulated at Walter Reed
>>> Army Medical Center.
>>>
>>> Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer, especially breast cancer.
>>> Don't freeze your plastic water bottles with water as this releases dioxin in the plastic.
>>> Do not heat food in the microwave using plastic containers. This applies to foods that contain fat. The combination of fat, high heat, and plastics release dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body.
>>> Dioxin carcinogens are highly toxic to the cells of our bodies. Instead, use glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food.
>>> TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc. should be removed from the
>>> container and heated in something else. It's safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc.
>>> Remember when some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper? The dioxin problem is one of > the reasons. To add to this, Saran wrap placed over foods as they are nuked, with the high heat, actually drips poisonous toxins into the food. Use paper towels.

COMPARISONS BETWEEN MARTHA STEWART AND MAXINE.


*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. (Maxine)
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

(Martha)When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

(Maxine) Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

(Martha)If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
(Maxine) If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

(Martha)Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
(Mazine) Celery? Never heard of it!

(Martha)Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
(Maxine) The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

(Martha)Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
(Maxine) Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

(Martha)If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
(Maxine) Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

(Martha)Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
(Maxine) Leftover wine???????????

HELLO !!!!!!!




Here are some good jokes for today.


Diary of her six day Bahamas cruise.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino .. did OK .. won about $80. The Captain invited me t o have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

THIS MAY NOT BE TRUE BUT IT IS WORTH READING.
>
>Be careful get the word out infom your friends & family coworkers etc- this
>issue has been overlooked due to the devastation.
>
>Most of yall know we have a familiy restaurant in which I worked last night.
>We had a lot of people from New orleans come and buy food. I did not realize
>how many people were here already. On the way here this morning I was
>listening to the Radio and they were saying that a woman called in and said
>she saw her brother that had 2 life sentences for committing 7 murders, and
>now he is out on the street. (He was in prison in New Orleans). My friend
>Robert went down to Louisiana about 2 weeks ago to visit his brother who was
>in prison for stabbing his lawyer in the neck came by the restaurant to let
>us know that he made it back safe and he was not injured in the storm but ..
>The problem was his brother was in the car with him as well. (The convicted
>murderer).If any of yall are like me. :) I love New Orleans accents but
>please be careful, who you talk to at the clubs, in the stores ,anywhere.
>Prisoners did escape, and these men have no ID, they are in a new city where
>no one knows them to identify them and so far they don't exsist because so
>many people are missing, or dead. So pleasseeee be careful.
>
>This is affecting everybody... I know that there are murderers everywhere
>but please, please, please be careful and be mindful that there may b! e
>many more in our midst. Please just be aware of your surroundings and please
>pay close attention to your children. There is no way all of these felons
>will be located. I am afraid not only for my family and friends but for
>everyone. Please continue to pray for all men in all aspects because only
>GOD can help us.
>
>


MORE JOKES

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

As usual, if you don't forward this to 10 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?





Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (man he's smart)
````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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